Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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