I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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