used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize