I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize