I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
sarcasm needs its own font
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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