tell your sister to shave her snatch
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
