Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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