I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
