I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
