Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
