So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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