I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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