I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
