why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
