I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
