I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
