How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
