I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My balls are so social today.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
