My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
