i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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