well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
