dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
