We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
