is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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