Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
