K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
