I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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