Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
