What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize