would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize