I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
There's even glitter on my cock...
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