My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
