today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize