Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
