butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
