I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
