Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
