burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
