tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I won the penis lottery.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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