I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
