How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
