Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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