if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's always time for handjobs
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
