Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
