wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
