my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
