best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
