im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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