just tell him i said nine months
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
