I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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