Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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