I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
