he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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