why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
