Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
