Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
